the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
