I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
