Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
