I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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