I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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