Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
