i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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