The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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