I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
