My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
