i jhust puked up my retainher.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
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