My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
