She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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