hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize