life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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