i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize