Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
