Can i not drive my cunt home
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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