i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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