my phone needs a breathalizer
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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