So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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