Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
