Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
