It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
someone owes me an orgasm
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
