I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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