So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
