Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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