Fine. I'll sleep in my office
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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