Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
