I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
the room spins SO much faster in panama
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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