you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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