He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You dont lie about slip and slides
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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