At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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