Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
