my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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