apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize