If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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