you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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