You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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