I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
