woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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