I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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