I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
