I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
