You're my little dorito
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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