he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
