I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
