Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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