I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
