I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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