i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
