I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
