Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm gonna have a badass scar
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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