Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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