I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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