I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Who did Billy Mays play for?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So much Jack, so little girl.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
