Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
