Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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