Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
