Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
