I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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