i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
